This is the email I’m about to send to my mother in response to her abuse and transphobia. It’s real, real fuckin’ hard to hit send.

Dear Mom,
Here’s an excerpt from an essay one of my friends wrote (I edited it slightly):

Scenario: You’ve messed up a trans person’s name/pronouns. You didn’t mean to, but you can see the anguish on their face, and you want to make things right.

Wrong Thing to Say: “I’m sorry; it’s just that you’re still [previous name] to me!”
Of all the things you could possibly say to a trans person, this is among the most hurtful. It’s one thing to struggle to accept someone’s identity; it’s quite another to impose the wrong identity on that person in order to excuse your difficulty.

Right Thing to Say: “I’m sorry. I’ll keep trying.”
Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has difficulty adapting to a major change in another person. What’s important is that you try, and that you correct yourself when you mess up. That’s all anyone can reasonably ask; at the same time, it’s the least you can do.

---

Scenario: You’ve known your trans friend/relative by one gender all your life, and now, all of a sudden, they’re asking you to call them by a different name and pronouns. This comes as a shock, and you feel like you don’t know them anymore; you feel like they’ve died and some new person has taken their place. Yet you want to stay in relationship with them, somehow.

Wrong Thing to Do: Categorically refuse to respect their request, insisting that it’s too difficult and hurtful for you.
Your trans friend/relative has taken a great risk by revealing their identity to you, and they’ve done so because they want and need to stay in relationship with you. For you to refuse to accept them, for you to prioritize your (relatively smaller) pain over theirs, is terribly cruel. Your pain is absolutely valid, but this is not the way to handle it.

Right Thing to Do: Work out your grief issues with a counselor and/or with cis friends, away from your friend/relative.
You may feel a sense of loss for the person you thought existed. This is going to be very tough for you to deal with, and you absolutely do need to deal with it. But the person who does exist, the person you’ve loved, will need your continuing love and support — and that person is not responsible for your healing. Do whatever you need to do to get to a place where you can relate to them respectfully and lovingly, and do it without placing additional burdens on them.

-Kiriamaya

I’m not expecting you to be perfect. There’s a learning curve involved in opening one’s mind to trans and queer identities, and most people occasionally slip up with me. Occasional slip-ups are fine, and I’ll politely remind you of how you should address me.

What’s not fine is your categorical refusal to accept my identity and to address me in a respectful manner. I can’t force you to behave in any certain way or to do any certain thing. I can however decide who gets to be a part of my life. Understanding my identity and respecting my pronouns are prerequisites to having a relationship with me. Refusing treat me in a respectful and affirming manner while possessing full knowledge of my needs is an act of violence.

You can have a relationship with me when and only when you choose to respect my identity by:

• using correct pronouns (she/her/hers)
• using correct other terms of address (daughter, girl, lady)
• not telling me I look handsome, masculine, etc.

I’m not comfortable interacting with you without a mediator. I’d like to meet with you with my counselor, Dr. [xx]. You’re welcome to bring someone as well if you’d like to. I’d like to schedule this meeting soon, and I’ll contact Dr. [xx] about it.

Love,
Nic

I’m right on the edge, I don’t know what comes next.